You know that hippie-dippy saying "Be Here Now"? Oh, sure you do: you've seen it on bumper stickers and t-shirts. Well, that saying pretty much sums up what mindfulness is: experiencing the present moment in a state of awareness of your thoughts, sensations, and emotions. And although it may have the ring of New Age blather, the concept of mindfulness dates back many centuries to Buddhist meditation practices...Oh shit, did I lose you with the Buddhist meditation business? If you're still reading, let me make one thing perfectly clear: the mere whiff of magic voodoo bullshit makes me cringe so hard I'm afraid I might turn inside-out. And believe me, trying to type while cringing ain't easy.
See, I'm a scientist by training, a health writer by trade, and a confirmed atheist who's never felt the need for any kind of spiritual outlet. I don't generally truck with hand-wavy stuff that flies in the face of my rational mind. Moreover, sometimes the here and now just sucks, and being present for it is the last thing any sane person would want to do.
With all those disclaimers, you're probably wondering WHY I would want to explore the concept of mindfulness, let alone blog about it. The answer is simple: I want to change my relationship with food and with my body, and nothing else I've tried has worked. Dieting sent me hurtling down into the vortex of anorexia, bulimia, overexercising, and self-hatred; ignoring what I eat has resulted in a gradual creeping up of my weight and blood pressure. In short, I'm stuck. I've been stuck for about 5 years, and I'm sick of it.
My brilliant psychiatrist R, who helped me stop restricting and purging, has for years been gently nudging me towards trying a mindfulness approach to eating. And for years, I have been resisting her suggestions with all my might. I'm pretty sure my disdain for New Age woo-woo is only a small part of that; the main reason I've been resisting is that I'm utterly terrified of completely giving up my drug of choice. It's true that I no longer starve myself or throw up, but I still use food to numb myself, to stuff down painful feelings. And although part of me wants to become healthier, another part is kicking and screaming at the thought of no longer having that ability to comfort myself.
So here I am: on the verge of embarking on something new and very scary, at least to me. I'm writing about it because writing is what I do; I'm blogging about it because I desperately need some company on this leg of my journey. I have no idea whether these adventures in mindfulness will be successful—hell, I'm not even sure how I would define "success." What I do know is that my relationship with food needs to change, and I've a feeling that this path will lead me to all sorts of interesting places.
Thanks for being my traveling companion. Let's hit the road, shall we?
Image: Jasmic under CC BY-ND 3.0.
I had no idea. I too have struggled with eating and food issues for many years. I'm not doing so well with things right now, so I'm going to be following you on this path a bit.
ReplyDeleteHave you read Geneen Roth on this subject? She has interesting things to say. Her rules for eating mindfully involving eating when hungry and stopping when full, eating food from a plate or bowl--not out of the package or off the cooking spoon--while sitting at the table, and eating only food that "hums" to you. It should sound, feel, and taste like something you really want, not just like something you think you ought to want or are in the habit of wanting. It's relatively easy to sum up the guidelines, but hard as hell to actually follow them.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE Geneen Roth...well, I love her books, anyway. I once attended a workshop of hers that was, in a word, AWFUL. But as you say, although her guidelines seem simple, actually putting them into practice has been a challenge for me.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I especially love her book When You Eat At The Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair. In fact, I should read it again; thanks for the reminder!